Sunday, March 14, 2004
saturday night: my cousin, abigail's, debut. the youngest Arabe cousin is now an adult. where have the years gone?
tonight has made me feel very lonely and depressed. i wish i had more personality. more personality like others in my family, like our friends, or like any other person out there. why must i sacrifice personality with comprehension (in the mind)? if i had more personality i would have handled my break-up better and i would've been over it by now. but my stupid brain and its thoughts... it's hard.
tonight, i made the announcement to the entire family about me being single. yes, everyone in the family knows now. i've been delaying saying anything to anybody because i dunno how to react to the questions. at least i can react now without hurting. it's easy when you can block things in your mind. i bad skill to learn but it's helping in this situation. i would be perfectly fine if i could forget everything completely. i can't deal with these constant reminders, these IMs and phone calls and visits. i have the worst memory out of everyone i know (maybe because i forget that someone has a worse memory than me?) but it's not letting me forget everything. damn!
i feel so alone. my cousins have all these people and stories and memories and things going on. i have memories but the best ones i want to forget. my days ahead are gray whereas their's are planned out. i'm so jealous that i'm not fortunate enough to have these things. i know, i should be happy with what i have... and i want to be happy, but i'm missing something. i had something but it's gone now. i know i know, i need to be content with life and myself before i can move on and i am. it's just... there are those moments where you feel lonely and sad.
c l i f f l o v e's thoughts at 3:48:00 AM
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let's keep things simple here...
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...keep it real
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